Friday, 22 November 2013

A Rush of Love

This is an honest story. It is not an easy post to write or share. It is about falling in love with my baby.


L was born at 00.03 in June after a full day of contracting and a previous day of sporadic contracting after the premature rupture of my membranes. You can read my full birth story here.

I was feeling impossibly small behind a blue curtain staring at J so as not to see my reflection in the hospital lights again. 

I saw a tiny hand and heard a cry. J told me she was a she, our daughter. Then the new Daddy Morkus was holding her bundled in towels, I could see a partial profile. Both Daddy and Baby were ushered out of the room leaving me behind.

In recovery she was again bundled in towels in Daddy's arms. I wasn't able to hold her due to low blood pressure. 

Eventually the Midwife helped her latch on, she drank. I got to see her properly and take a photograph. 

We were wheeled down to the ward while she was in my arms. Daddy Morkus left me and L to go and get some well deserved rest at home.

I didn't sleep that night, I couldn't stop staring at her in her plastic box next to me.

My baby.

I didn't know what to do, what I was allowed to do, or how I was to do it with a catheter in and limited feeling in my legs. 

I was waiting for that rush of love, that instant magical moment you hold and see your baby and recognise them from nine months of intimate bonding. 

But I didn't recognise her as Pip, my hiccupping, jumping, tummy resident who I thought was going to be a boy. 

I didn't feel or see her arrival into this world, I saw a blue cloth and my husbands eyes. 

Our birth so was far removed from what I had hoped it would be. I got no natural birth, I got no pushing my baby out, I got no skin to skin. Nine months of pregnancy were suddenly and violently ended in a sterile operating theatre at midnight in a room full of people I didn't know the names of.

The only way I knew she was mine was her striking resemblance to me and my sister. It all felt like an invisible wall blocking my heart.

I broke down three weeks after L was born and talked for the first time about how I couldn't relate my bump to my baby. 

I looked at her scan pictures and my happy, mostly positive, pregnancy seemed like a distant dream. While I knew she was mine she also felt weirdly alien and separate from me.

My birth experience didn't feel like a real event which had happened to me and my body. I have complete memory loss for a massive part of the day after the artificial rupture of my other waters until the pethadine wore off.

I don't know when I knew I loved L so totally as I do now. I look in her eyes when I am feeding her and I ache with love, I cry with the sheer enormity of emotion. I have to stop thinking about it as it is so all consuming. I have fallen in love with my baby.

But it didn't rush on me, it took a while, it grew from somewhere inside as my scars healed and my memories, such as they are, returned. It grew through 3 tough weeks when I got as low as I could. It grew as she grew and it continues to grow now.

It might not have been a rush of love but it is solid and enduring now.
Post Comment Love
The Fairy and the Frog
Romanian Mum


  1. I had an emergency section with my first, and if I'm honest, the connection took a long time, which I didn't really realise until I'd had my second, by calm elective, and connected straight away. Brave, lovely post xx #PoCoLo

  2. I think you are not alone in these feelings at all! Thank you for sharing them. Although I had a c section too, it was a different story it was planned and peaceful and happy, for which I am eternally grateful... I really hope that if there is a next time for you it goes off without a hitch x

  3. Aww you went through so much ...Lovely post...

    I remember your body gets to a point when you feel like your not yourself for a while and trys to shut out the pain, ,then you rush with emotions on how much you love them holding this sweet little bundle in your arms,,, aww my youngest is 8 now :)

  4. This is beautiful! I remember when Little Man was born, all I had been focussing on was finally being at the end of 9 months of sheer hell and suddenly he was there and it completely threw me! I remember the feelings of "what do I do now?" I think love creeps up on you over time and is built upon constantly. I never had that "rush of love" but I do remember being fiercely protective of him even when still thinking "he could be anyone's baby right now". Thank you for sharing so openly what I am sure so many women experience in some way... it sounds like you had a really rough delivery and I cannot imagine how that must have been, but your sharing this opens my eyes!

  5. this really resonates with me. I had an emergency section and this is so how i felt with my first! big hugs lovely x

  6. This is a lovely post. I guess, although it's very hard, we mums need to remember that with all those hormones running around and the expectations we put on ourselves, that we need to relax. There isn't a proper order for things to happen!

    A friend of mine wrote me an email yesterday explaining feelings very similar to this, which she let me put in a blog post:

    I think it's great that we can be honest and open in this community and let others know they aren't alone OR doing anything wrong, it's just sometimes one of those things - it took you a few weeks to get the bond, it took my friend over a year! - but I believe it will come at some point :) Thanks love xx

  7. I really don't believe you are alone in this - I can see from the comments above. I sometimes feel guilty because I don't think I love Grace enough! Although how much is enough?! That must have been tough for you. Thanks for linking to PoCoLo x

  8. What a beautiful post to share - because it's so special to let other mum's know they aren't on their own. I had a natural birth but with us both ending up heading off in different direction - love definitely crept up on us rather than arriving in a burst of 'ta dah'. It's a tough thing to talk about - so this is a post you should be really proud of.

  9. Thank you all wonderful ladies. I have been over whelmed with the response to this post. It makes me feel brave and strong for sharing and I needed those feelings again after not feeling like that during or after my labour. Thank you again.

  10. I had a section when 'The Fairy ' was born and forceps with 'The Frog' - I found speaking to 'birth afterthoughts service' - a specially trained midwife who talks through what happened in my labours to be really helpful to understand what happened. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for joining in with the Monday Parenting Pin it Party.