Thursday, 30 June 2016

Bumps and I

Your body changes in pregnancy. A given. Not a surprise. You're growing a new human and it's got to have an impact somewhere. Somewhere mostly means the tummy but also includes the boobs, hips, bum, face. 

Last time with L I embraced the bump. It popped early and I went quickly into a size up clothing. Work and work colleagues new early on due to the slapped cheek infection and so I never really had to hide it away. I grew a sizeable bump and shared regular bump pictures on my personal Facebook page. I only really noticed the other weight gain, mostly around my face, when I looked back at photos post delivery. So wrapped up in the excitement of impending motherhood and never really thinking about the impact of my unhealthy cravings, think maximum sugar minimum vitamins. 

This time round I am feeling much more self conscious, much more aware, much less confident with my growing body. I knew what to expect but this time the early bloating led to one parent at work guessing before I was ready to share the news. I brushed it off and ignored it, hoping she just thought she had put her foot in it after I had had a large pasta lunch. The bloating continued for the first four months. Each morning I would wake up relatively normal looking and by lunch was 3 months gone and by dinner time looking 6 months gone. 

Not only was this uncomfortable and painful it was also hard to hide. I wasn't ready to share the news with work until after my scan. Unsure of the reception the news would garner based on my experience with L. It also made me self conscious early on about weight gain. 

The bloating subsided around 4 months into this pregnancy and was replaced with the new bump. But the self conscious feelings have only increased as time goes on. I feel massive compared to last time. The bump is already heavy, baby's movements feel massive. I feel I am growing a giant, which then makes me doubt a vbac delivery, maybe an elective would be easier for a larger baby than Ls sizeable 8lbs. 

I feel I am always explaining my large bump, the comments from colleagues about blooming make me feel even more self conscious. I've had the dreaded question "Are you sure it's not twins." 

Nothing makes a pregnant lady feel more self conscious about her size than this question and yet people still feel free to comment on it. A case of pregnant and public property. 

J assures me I haven't gained weight apart form boobs and bump, others assure me I am not looking massive, but the impact of my own feelings and internal voice is drowning  out these supportive voices. It's making it an issue I never thought I would have.

I am not sure how to embrace the bump this time. I am not sure how much of the weight gain anxieties are tide up with birth anxieties. I am not denying myself anything but I am being mindful of what I choose and how often things are chosen. I've decided to try not to drink any calories preferring water or herbal teas in the main to any other sort of drink. 

I see the midwife in a few weeks and will be asking her to weigh me so I can see in figures what I've gained so far. Maybe entering the 3rd trimester in two weeks will also make me feel better about my  every increasing size. Meanwhile sensible choices and trying to stay active are my first line of defense from excessive weight gain.  

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